There is nothing worse than not being able to sleep at night and have 100 million thoughts circulate in my head. Lately, I have been over stressing out about my future and what is to come of it and how I am going to handle (pay) for it. No one could have seen it coming that I would have a long distance relationship and have to spend every dime on flying back and forth. I wouldn’t change it one bit (unless I could have had Ferrell in my city) but it has added stress I never knew I could have. I am planning on moving to NYC after graduation. Apparently, this cost $10,000.00 just to move. I have always known the expense but in my mind it was that I needed enough for two months rent and a deposit and of course I would have or be getting a job ASAP. Any job will do, event planning, cocktail waitress, or working at Bare Minerals SoHo. But recently random passerby’s have been giving me unsolicited advice about how much I truly need. I wanted to be able to just pick up and go and struggle for a while before figuring it out. Apparently, this isn’t even do able. So my question is, how do young people move there without so much as a couch to crash on until they figure it out? After being in school four year and neck deep in student loans, I don’t know how anyone does it, but they do. So, dammit I determined. On top of all of this, I would like to be married before moving in with Ferrell. The problem with this is, we have no money for a wedding. I would like to elope but I still would love to have all the bells and whistles and my family along side. This would set back our moving to the city as well. Then I thought, what if we get engaged and move to the city then plan a wedding over the course of a couple years. The problem is though, would we have a wedding in NYC or back home in Arkansas. So then, we are paying for plane tickets back and forth and having to plan from a thousand miles away! DO YOU SEE WHY I AM STRESSING. I send some of this to my mom the other day and she replies with “relish in the joy of today” and “Only God has control” which stopped me in my tracks and makes me realize that as well. I have not given the big man any credit lately. Nor have I been giving him my concerns and honestly, my life. I also need to remember I can’t control when or if Ferrell will propose (LOL). But I have been up countless nights with all these thoughts. It was no means a bad detour from my life plan but meeting my love did changes things! I am just thankful he is with me in pursing my New York City dream and thats the best support a girl could ask for from a man. It’s time to let go of my fears, jealousy, desires, and whatever else is keeping these obsessive thoughts in my brain, and give it to the Lord because when it comes down to it, I am willing to go anywhere in the world and do anything that is set in my path because I love the adventure. Then again, I also love Ikea and that got me into some credit card trouble a few days ago!
This article is fitting as I have been stressing out about moving to New York after graduation to the point of releasing my strep throat every other week! I have experienced some of these things when I went to Europe on my own and now as I have moved to Florida for the summer. But even in those instances I had some comfort with connections (i.e. Lukas or my cousin Taylor) and now here in Florida with Ferrell and the fact that it isn’t such foreign territory. However, going to NYC is a whole new ballgame with grown up situations I will have to deal with like taxes or making rent in a highly rent inflated area. More than anything, though, I am most excited about trying and seeing if I fail or succeed. I am also most excited for having all new territory and possibly reinventing myself or you know, just seeing a shit ton of musicals and crying through every single one. Does anyone experience that like I do? I mean, I did cry in How to Train Your Dragon 2 this afternoon, but who’s to judge.
Don’t forget to live.
Said no one who has ever lived here or even visited. Every single day in the summer, it rains. Whether is be for a few minutes or the whole day, sure enough there will be rain. I should have been aware of this from my countless family vacations to the beach but maybe I wasn’t so observant of the weather when I was hiding away in the condo room reading my young adult rom com novels. But, the rain will fall every day at some time or another and when it does, I am thankful for the lack of heat in that moment but I am also dreading the intense humidity that follows. Can a girl catch a break? Curly hair does not fend well in this type of atmosphere! I have been to the hair dresser more in the past month or two than I have in the past two years! A Dios mio! I need help! But being down here has helped with my relationship with Ferrell so much and also with my car. It now has new brake pads and an air filter which if it not had been for my man, then these would never get replaced. Thanks, love! But on the flip side, he did lose my hubcap on the highway…how interesting was it to hear that he was driving along and saw my hubcap roll past him….Just add that to the list of locking my keys in my car and also in my bedroom as well as other things and we are quite the team.
Stay cool, Friends!
Transforming into my alto ego
My dreams are out of my reach but I have learned there is always a ladder close by…
I am not afraid to move away from the known. I have moved away to Europe and to Florida. I have gone from home to college. I am welcoming the future with open arms (and maybe a few worrisome sleepless nights). I am ready for others to ask me what I am doing in life and be a bit jealous. I am prepared to be a little braggy but keeping it respectable and semi modest.
I’ll let you know when this happens…
I thought I knew love from my past relationships. It turns out that I did not. I do know the love from my family, which is something I completely take advantage of, and probably always will because they’re automatically going to love me. But I am experiencing something different with my relationship to Ferrell. It is one of those breath-taking eye watering realizations that happen once in a blue moon. Despite my continuous bad moods, helpless manner, and whiny complex, he stands there holding his hand out to reassure me that he will be there. He gives so much and loves so hard and while I thought that’s how I was, I am learning that it is really the other way around. Everyday after work, I come home or he comes home and I stick my elf feet in his face and stare at him. Every time, he grabs them and rubs them. Do I rub his feet? Nope, never. But does this deter him from doing it for me? Nope, never. When I get mad at him, he goes and gets me a treat to say sorry even if I am the one in the wrong. I can be such crap to him but his love never waivers. Yeah, he licks the ranch out of the cup at the restaurant with his finger or falls asleep with his belly out while wearing calf high stripe socks (very funny site, don’t kill me, Rellz!) - but it doesn’t matter because he is loving me with the same intensity and loyalty despite the storms of life.
I can’t help but reflect on this and how this must be with Christ. No matter how much I am in the wrong, his hand is extended out to me to help. It’s so humbling and amazing mixed together that is makes it hard to even comprehend. It is the same breath taking watery eyed realization that I experience with Ferrell. I believe we have relationships like that to experience the realization of how it is with Christ. It’s beautiful. I am so thankful for His (Christ) grace and his (Ferrell) grace.