The Never Ending Journey

There are as many ways to live in this world as there are people, and each one deserves a closer look.

People most surrounded are the loneliest. But people surrounded by no one are the the loneliest. I think we are all terribly lonely.

As I typed the words “I miss you” into the bubble, my fingers hesitated to send the message. Will sending it make me appear weak or will is strengthen me ?

Sometimes you just have to go with it and hope for the best. 

With all my struggle with trying to get weight off and be happy with myself, I am always trying to find inspirations to look to so that I can relieve pressure off of my shoulders. Of course, like any young women (or older one probably), I turn to celebrities to see what they are saying and doing. One of my favorite actress and comedian, Mindy Kaling, says it how she feels and loves who she is…or at least puts on that she does. I found this quote from Mindy about her body and although I may not be in the size 8 category, I find myself struggling to fit in with a certain aesthetic as she mentioned - with my abnormally short bow legs, super flat chest, and muscle thighs for days. I just love Mindy and I love that she does try but she can still owe her body. You always be you, girl, and I hope to be that way too.

"Since I am not model-skinny, but also not super-fat and fabulously owning my hugeness, I fall into that nebulous, ‘Normal American Woman Size’ that legions of fashion stylists detest. For the record, I’m a size 8 (this week, anyway)," she toldNPR’s “Morning Edition.” ”Many stylists hate that size because, I think, to them, I lack the self-discipline to be an aesthetic, or the sassy, confidence to be a total fatty hedonist. They’re like, ‘Pick a lane.’”

Purple peacock for Aunt Stacey - March 25, 14.

Purple peacock for Aunt Stacey - March 25, 14.

Knock Knock, Who’s There?

It has been a while since I have posted anything other than pictures on here. I feel like I have been so busy to even collect my thoughts. This new year has been crazy, seriously. I took over my twin’s nannying job so four-five hours of my day consists of driving to and from location and being with the child. Besides that, I have been more involved on campus, or so I think. I joined the hospitality club and applied for an ambassador position for the following school year. I have also applied for 25 plus internships! I received an offer for one just the past week which was awesome!! I had to reject it though as it is in New York City and unpaid. I really need a paid one for the city so I can survive through the summer. I have another interview in the morning however and I heard back from another company last week that I have been talking to for about a year now. I am hoping it will all work out and I believe it will. Also, it has been a treat looking for somewhere to live that is reasonably priced. A lot of it is subletting and I am totally cool with that! I just want to be able to have community with people so I need to enjoy them or live in the dorm. Between all that and getting my resume reviewed a million times then perfecting my cover letter and on top of that trying to get all my credits and classes lined up for next semester and the list goes on, I have been a busy gal. I also work out everyday and make time for the  boyfriend 15 hours away. Doing all this stuff obviously means something is being neglected. For me it is Jesus right now. I have been blowing Him. The boyfriend and I do a weekly devotion but thats about it. I am just constantly moving and shaking that by the time I am in bed I fall asleep or it is so late that I sleep until the last minute to where I don’t have any time to get anything done before the hecticness of my day starts. ( I made that word up).

Because I have been so consumed in my fitness, a lot of things get pushed to the back burner. I am obsessed about my weight. I gave up my scale for lent because I was weighing every morning, sometimes twice a day. I am coming to realize I cannot change the overall make up of my frame and I am just trying to make due with what I have. Things that have stemmed positively from all the fitness though are the new activities I have picked up and the nutrition I have learned about. I am really into yoga right now. The intense yoga that kills your body but makes you feel awesome when you can hold that crazy back breaker pose for five breaths. I have also learned a lot about sugars, carbs, protein, and fueling my body. I need to confess that yes, I did have 3/4 of a sleeve of trefoil cookies…..darn you girl scouts. But I also have my morning protein shake and regular veggies and fruits with sprouted whole wheat bread. I am off red meat, too. It is a slow life change but it is happening. I love cookies and processed food, who doesn’t? So I am trying. I am excited to go to the summer because I want to run in central park everyday and I may be looking forward to that most. The BIGGEST thing I have done is give up diet coke. If anyone knows…my obsession is out of this world. I was having anywhere from four to seven a day, if not more. It has only been six days since I have had one but still, this is better than nothing! I just want to live a long life that isn’t full of sickness and pain. 

My mental state is also getting nourished. I am working on my self image and not viewing myself so negatively. The other day I had a few cookies, came home, and laid on my bed then cried. It doesn’t seem fair that so many people don’t worry about their diets and their fitness and I am working my butt off everyday to get somewhere and I am not moving. I just couldn’t take it anymore and broke down. My whole life is in fear of my weight gain and how many pounds I will gain with one weekend of not working out. It may not be an eating disorder but it is a disorder for sure. My first plan is to get help and get it under control. 

Besides that, I am not sure what else is happening. The boyfriend got a job offer in Florida this summer….that is not NYC. But, we will figure it out. It is still relatively early…I think. But for now, I am working on keeping good grades and getting my GPA up! My life is more motivated now. Maybe it is the sheer realization that I am not a student for much longer and I need to get my shit together for a lack of better words. 

Until next time. 

Celebrating Hannah’s birthday (a little late) ! Happy times.      @hannahrwalter @paynecolton

Celebrating Hannah’s birthday (a little late) ! Happy times. @hannahrwalter @paynecolton

Sometimes you have to grow 5 inches for a night.

Sometimes you have to grow 5 inches for a night.

Horse races and Burl’s country smoke house. Fine day in Hot Springs.

Horse races and Burl’s country smoke house. Fine day in Hot Springs.